Boundary Setting in Collectivist Cultures
Among the many narratives that show up in sessions with my clients navigating family relationships, one of the biggest messages that I hear with my clients struggling with their family of origin often is this:
“When I’m not around my family [of origin], I am secure and confident in my role as an independent adult; but when I am around them, I am suddenly thrust back into the age and role that I was when I lived at home. I am once again, a shrunken version of myself.”
And more often than not, the messages returned tend to oscillate between 1.) being forced to ignore or adopt unhealthy familial patterns and dynamics in the name of “family” , or 2.) — and my personal favorite — “if it’s that bad, why do you still talk to them?”
Oof. Both of these narratives, though well-intentioned, often place wrongful responsibility in the hands of those suffering. It’s either one’s job to be the peace keeper and remain complicit, or it’s one’s job to disconnect from family. Both of these narratives are harmful and traumatizing. Where’s the line here? If I’ve learned anything in my life and in my work, it’s just how significant nuance really is.
As a relational trauma therapist who works with a lot of folks who are trying to navigate family expectations, I find myself sometimes questioning these messages and how it greatly impacts the health and well being of my clients, especially those coming from collectivist cultures where strong familial bonds are often at the core of their identity. Because on one end, encouraging us to stop contact before we’re ready is not only emotionally distressing, but also incredibly distressing to our nervous system and body. On the other end, it’s equally distressing to have to consistently make ourselves smaller and exist less, just to be in connection with family.
Part of the work in therapy surrounds unearthing our inherent power and true self, which often involves rebelling against the unhealthy patterns we’ve inherited. However, it’s also important to remember that Western therapy loves to encourage separation, and promote individualism in the name of healing and self-care — none of which takes any consideration into systemic oppression and how it profoundly impacts our mental health — and actually dismisses the lived experiences and values of those growing up in collectivist cultures. I urge other therapists to deeply consider the cultural nuances when it comes to managing family conflict. We are trying our best, after all. We know it’s a long and treacherous journey expanding and contrasting within a dysfunctional family system AND sometimes it’s the only option we have. We may return to our old familial patterns at times; this is not a sign of regression, but rather a new opportunity for us to try something different.
Final thought, if it makes the most sense to assume that same familial role and expectation that you were in when you are back with your family, know that that is appropriate and ok to do so. What are some ways that we can practice self-advocacy and self-preservation when we are in that dysfunctional family role? Here’s some examples: knowing our trauma responses, choosing to stay at a hotel vs a family member’s house if financially feasible, going outside to get space, etc.
Can you think of some other gentle and loving boundaries for yourself?
Surrounding you in love and protection,
Courtney
